Selfish Facebookers

The defense has rested, so shall I.  A few quick points, I amend my previous statement.  I do think George had an affair.  I read his suicide note and it’s not as interesting as I thought it would be.  I’ll probably break that one down into it’s own post at some point or another.  Casey not testifying was super lame.

Now let’s talk about something different.  Okay, really this is just so I can bitch about some bad manners I’m seeing on Facebook.  But go with me people!  Roll with it!

There’s the new mom Facebooker.   Before the bouncing bundle of joy tore out of her vagina, she could hold a conversation that didn’t include babies or breastfeeding.  But the second she got her mom badge, that’s all she talks about.  And it’s not even “little Jane pooped green today! How is that possible?”  It’s always, “so lucky to be his mom.”  As if the rest of us without kids are wasting our lives.  Our lives mean nothing.  She’s always the mom who brags about nursing and breastfeeding.  She posts endless notes about how worth it breastfeeding is, how amazing it is, how she’s so proud to be feeding her child from her own body.  Of course she’d love to go home and relax but she just loves being a mom. LOVES IT.   Personally, I think if you have to post that every day, you are trying to convince yourself of all that and you don’t really mean it.  She’s also the one who is always posting that other people should have kids.  Why?  It’s like a pyramid scheme.  You are in for a lot of money and the only way out is to rope in other people.

On the flip side, kudos to the moms who can balance a conversation, only posts the super adorable pictures of their kids and not a 100 picture album just for the first week of June and doesn’t hound people to look at the pictures and comment on each and every one.  Kudos to those same moms who have respect for the moms who can’t or do not want to breastfeed.  Kudos to the moms who take time out of their day to care about what their friends are doing.

Then there’s the complainer.  If you go on their wall, it’s filled with how sad their day was, how bad it was, how horrible it was.  A lot of them are just sad faces with 5 people going “what’s wrong” and no one ever gets an answer.  These are the same people who still manage to be depressing when someone tries to point out something happy.  These people also never EVER post on anyone’s statuses.  Their entire existence on Facebook is to talk about how they are sad.  They could get a basket full of kittens under a double rainbow and win the lottery and they will still go on Facebook and say something like “I have an ant bite. FML.”  It leaves you wishing someone would F their L.

Oh, the must be nice people!  These people can’t be happy for anyone.  They live their life, jealous of what everyone has.  You post about getting new nail polish and they come back with, “I wish I had $8.50 to spend on nail polish.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to eat tonight.”  Really? Because obviously you can afford a computer and the internet or a cell phone with a data plan so….  I’m guessing most of these people could have nice things but being jealous makes them happier.  I’m a Mac person.  I switched years ago and I haven’t had a blue screen of death since.  No crashing.  No virus completely killing my computer and all the pictures on it.  So if someone complains about computer trouble, I politely point out the nice features that come with a Mac.  And I reserve that opinion until they talk about getting a new computer.  Someone I knew did this and I mentioned my happy Mac-ness and she said they were too expensive.  Then she posts the Dell she ordered.  Same price as a Mac.  I laughed a year later when the Dell was broken.  Instead of being such an assface, just say something nice like, “wow that’s a great computer/toy/shirt/hooker.”

Always tagging your significant other every where you go.  “Jack and Jill are at Chili’s.”  “Dick and Jane are at the gym.”  And then…the significant other has to comment on it like, “I told you to get the ribs…stay away from my burger!”  If your profile says you are with someone, don’t worry, we are already going to assume you are together at whatever place you are going to.  We don’t need to see your tags and your flirting.  Or your attempt at public flirting.  I promise, without all that, your relationship will still be real.  You don’t need Facebook to validate your relationship.

There’s the opposite to those people and it’s the people who you know are going to date because they are constantly tagging each other at places.  If you are with Susie 24/7 and you feel the need to tag it on Facbeook, just make it official so we can all stop wondering if you are playing hide the salami with her.

I cannot stand the people who spread around those copy/paste statuses.  It is not personal to you that you lost someone to cancer when 15 other people have the same status.  Take two seconds to honor the people you’ve lost with someone original.

Also, no one wants to see what music videos you are watching.  When you post 10 a day, I start to wonder if I need to press that handy hide button.

And how about those spoiler people?  You post you are going to watch Glee and there’s always that one person who has to warn you not to post any spoilers.  First of all, it’s my Facebook.  MINE.  And if I want to tell you who hooked up with you and who won and who didn’t, I’m going to.  Since I’m always super polite, I always warn people before I post anything spoilerish, don’t feel the need to lecture me or you’ll know every ending to every show and every movie on the planet.  Those same people rush, RUSH to post spoilers to ruin it for everyone else so that’s double frustrating.  Personally, I don’t care who won Idol but I’m sure there’s West coast people on your list who have no lives and do care so have some manners.

Last, learn how to spell and use correct grammar.  Don’t slang.  Don’t ghetto.  FML, SMDH, and all the others are pointless.  I know I’m horrible at using LOL as a response but I’ve gotten a lot better.  If I just want to type LOL, I just like whatever the person said above me.  It’s simple.  It’s easy.  It’s polite.  My new motto is “use your words.”  If you take two seconds to research it, your browser should have an add on for spell checking.  ALOT is not AWORD.   Don’t blame your phone for constant misspellings.  Use punctuation.  Then/than, your/you’re, there/their, loose/lose.  Learn them, live them.  Otherwise you look like a moron and I’ll blackout your name and post them on my private blog for my friends to laugh at.

Boom roasted.

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