10 Customer Rules

As the holiday retail season comes upon us, I have some tips on how you can be a nice customer.  Because common sense seems to have gone out with the dodo bird.

1.  Wear pants.  You’d think this one would be easy right?  Ladies, put on some damn pants.  No one wants the ability to see what kind of underwear you are wearing.  So those leggings you are wearing as pants?  Not a good idea.  Gym clothes?  No.  Real pants.   Men, no one wants to be able to see your ball sack in your gym pants or workout shorts.  Your gym is like every other gym, it has changing rooms and showers.  Use them.

2.  Your body smells.  Wear deodorant.  No one is exempt from this.  Wear it.  Wear it all the time.  You stink without it.  I’d stink without it.  That’s okay though because deodorant fixes that right up.   Take a shower every day.  Again, no one is exempt from this.  No one wants to smell your dirty ass.

3.  Quit with the perfume.  I don’t want to smell you coming or going.  Your smell should not linger.  It makes most people’s heads hurt.  If you smell bad enough to need a gallon of perfume or cologne, take a shower.  Use some wet wipes.  Your signature scent makes me want to hurl.  It’s not sexy.  It’s annoying.

4.  You are not special.  We all know you don’t just have one quick question.  Please lower yourself to the rest of the world and stand in line like everyone else.  Do not stress people out by wanting to get to the front of the line “to just _____.”  Don’t ask to skip the line because your child is tired, hungry or whatever.  Everyone needs to pick up their kid, everyone is going on vacation, everyone has a meter running, dishes in the sink, homework to do, work to get back to or whatever else you think you can come up with to skip the line. Yes, there is a wait.  It’s called other people live in the world too.  Build a bridge.  Get the fuck over it.

5.  No you cannot get anything for free.  Pay for your shit like everyone else.  Again, you are not special.  If anyone is going to get anything free, it’s the poor people who have to wait on you.  If we have to pay, you have to pay.  Look around you, there’s really bad times going on so you aren’t the only one who lost their jobs.  Do you really think we all went to college to work retail?  No, every single person waiting on you in every single store wants something better.  We are just happy to have our damn shitty jobs.  Don’t unload your sad shit on us.  Go to therapy like a normal person.  Or find some message board to whine on.

6.  MANNERS.  If I say, have a nice day, fucking say thank you.  Say it back.  Say something funny.  Say something nice.  Don’t just walk away.  Because when you do, I’m putting a horrid curse on you in my head.  It might not actually work but do you really want to test that theory?  Please and thank you go a really long way.  So does having a happy attitude.

7.  If your kids are with you, control them.  Don’t let them pull products down and scream and yell and spill and mess up.  If they start having a hissy fit, just go home.  No one believes your kid is an angel every other second of the day but that day and that time.  And yes, everyone is thinking you are a shitty parent.  I didn’t throw hissy fits as a child because I knew damn well that my mom could, at any time, take me outside to the car.  Did you know there’s no witnesses in the car?  I kept my tiny mouth shut and stood there all nice and quiet.

8.  Hang up your phone.  It’s rude to be talking on your phone while we wait on you.  You wouldn’t like it if we were on our cell phones. Common courtesy.

9.  If you are sick, stay home.  If you cough in my face, that gives me automatic license to punch you in your fucking sick mouth.  Does that sound violent?  You try standing in a store and getting coughed on all day long and see how long it takes before you want to take action.  Blowing your nose is for the bathroom.  If I’m sick, I miss out on making money to pay my rent.  If you are sick, you miss out on what?  Buying something you really don’t need?  Stay the hell home.

10.  Retail workers don’t have a magic button to fix whatever problems you are having.  We can’t give you discounts.  We can’t give you anything for free.  Sometimes you aren’t going to get what you want.  Deal with it.  Suck it up.  Life isn’t fair.  But if you are polite, nice and don’t smell like ass, we might take pity on you and go the extra mile.  If you are rude, you smell like you haven’t showered in a week, your kids are running around ruining my store, you are on your cell phone talking about trivial things all while screaming at me to wave my magic want to FIX IT…..yeah, I’m honestly not going to do anything but the very bare minimum to get you out of my face.  It is what it is.

*Previous and current retail workers are going to read this and go “HELLS YEAH!”  People who have never worked retail are going to be going “I hope that rude girl gets fired soon.”  Tomatoe/tomahtoe.

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